Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Introspection


As I sit here by my window on this chilly but bright Tuesday morning, watching the last of the autumn leaves fall from the trees and people striding purposefully to their lectures and seminars, I feel oddly peaceful in way that I haven't felt in quite sometime. This past year has been full of ups and downs and altogether hasn't been the best. Something within me hasn't felt quite right, like I'm off balance somehow and can't quite reach an equilibrium. A lot of time has been spent feeling dissatisfied, numb even. The past few weeks have been extremely cathartic and have allowed me the time and space for introspection. Through this I feel that I've found a source of this disquiet.

I've realised that I've spent so much of my time focused on 'one upping' myself this year. Always striving to go above and beyond what I've done before. Always having to fill up my spare time with exciting adventures and experiences just for the sake of saying I've done them. I am extremely lucky to have had some of the experiences that I've had but the negative side effect of having had them is that it sets a standard. The bar is so high that I've put this unnecessary pressure on myself to constantly do do do. I had 5 months off for summer this year and I chose to fill it up as much as possible with new adventures and exciting trips, always making sure that when someone asked 'So what have you been up to?' I had a mega list of awesomeness. I realise now that this was a mistake. I should have allowed myself to catch up with myself. To have a bit of time just to just breathe and be. I spend so much of my life planning the future that a part of me has forgotten to enjoy the present. To be in the moment and feel content with the simpler things.


Life doesn't always need to be a great excitement. There is so much happiness and extraordinary in the ordinary. Sometimes you just have to appreciate the great experiences you've had in the past and accept that life isn't always going to be as awe inspiring and life changing, but that doesnt make it less incredible and meaningful. Sometimes you have to slow down and just be in the now. Focus on the all of the wonderful things in day to day life that make you happy. Lets give it a go. 

I love having my own place. I love the feeling of freedom it brings, knowing that if I don't want to talk to anyone, I dont have to. I can keep it as tidy or messy as I want, I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. I can go out in the middle of the night for a walk if I felt the need. I love waking up in the morning and making myself a cup of tea. I love the sun shining through the kitchen window and making the room seem bright and homely, no matter what the weather. I love the feel of hot water on my skin in the shower. I love my little chats with my flatmates. I love wrapping up in my warm coat and scarf, wearing jeans and boots and walking to my lectures. I love listening to my music and people watching as I walk pass the masses. I love learning. I love sitting at my desk or going to the library and getting work done, the feeling of being productive and feeling on top of things. I love talking to my friends on Skype and having a good catchup. I love my flatmate Ria who is also one of my best friends. I love how comfortable we are around each other. I love how she's always there if I need. I love how much we giggle and laugh til our stomachs hurt and our eyes are blurry from the tears. I love how I don't have to think about saying goodbye for a long time. I love going to the gym and buying my own groceries. I love pushing myself. I love hanging out with friends, old and new. I love going to Theatre meetings and playing silly warm up games and the sense of community you feel when you're in a production. I love sneaky trips to Spar to buy a KitKat chunky with Ria and I love sitting down with her afterwards with a hot drink, in my pyjamas and watching an episode of Black Mirror. I love going on walks in this beautiful place I get to call home. 

Life is actually great. When you actually allow yourself to appreciate each day for what it is, it's amazing the peace it brings along with it. 

I'll go into more detail about things when I sit down and write my annual roundup of the year, but for now I just wanted to say, to myself and to anyone else reading this, go and make yourself a cup of your favourite drink and sit by yourself for 10-15 minutes and write down a list of things in your day to day life that make you happy. I promise it's worth it.

Until the next time,

xx

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